Healthy Living DIY

First, get this clear. The bully does not care about you. He cares about himself.

Let me say this again. It's not about you. It's about him. Sure, you got in the way. But the same thing would have happened if anyone else similar to you had shown up first.

The bully wants to control and dominate. He doesn't care who, really. Might be you - might be somebody else. Of course if you show up, you'll do. The reason the bully "has" to be in charge is he feels very insecure and vulnerable on the inside. He's afraid that if he was to be "nice," his "nice" wouldn't be good enough and everyone would hate him.

So he tries to force--whomever or whatever he can. That way, he thinks he's going to feel big and powerful. Except it's an uphill battle that will never work. Because underneath, he still feels insecure and vulnerable. He's simply making a career out of trying to disprove his own underlying beliefs about himself. Which, as you can probably see, is impossible.

The bully is a terribly misguided individual or entity.

However please don't pity him. After all, he's usually given many opportunities to turn around. Some bullies take the opportunities and life is good. Others don't. Their choice.

Think you're going to give a bully that opportunity? How thoughtful! It may just work. But please keep this in mind. First, you're going to have to get his attention.

If you simply return his aggression, you're in for a rude awakening. Once he catches you in his little game, you've automatically lost his respect. Why? Because you obviously bought in to his underlying beliefs and insecurities. There's no honor for him in fighting with you. In his mind, you've just agreed he's a loser!

Think you'll overwhelm him with niceness? Guess again. He "knows" (i.e. believes) he doesn't deserve to be treated well. He simply won't allow it. Furthermore, he'll disrespect you for trying.

So how do you gain the respect of a bully?

Refuse to allow him to disrespect you. Draw a clear boundary in the sand. "I am willing to engage with you this way and not that way." If he tries to cross the line, leave. Don't whine. Don't argue. Don't plead. Leave. Refuse to engage except on respectful terms.

If it's a bully you're particularly fond of, come back another day and try again. And again. Until eventually, one of three things will happen:

1. He'll get the message and begin engaging with you on your terms. This is a huge gift to him, by the way, as it supports him in maintaining his honor.
2. You'll get tired of the whole thing and move on. Which is fine.
3. He'll get tired of the whole thing and move on. Which is also fine.

P.S. I realize that I've used the male pronoun "he" to refer to the archetypal bully. Please understand that the bully is gender-free. Just to prove my point, everyone stop for a moment and call up a female bully or two from your own memory banks. Ok, guys. Feel better?

To be continued...