Healthy Living DIY

Judy Greenwood's affirmation cards had caught her eye. "Oh, these are just beautiful!" she said. "My husband and I use affirmations all the time. We really watch what we say because we know we're creating our world as we speak."

The conversation started out something like that, and I suppose it's obvious I knew right away she was a kindred spirit.

The Visitor, a young woman who lived elsewhere, was in town to spend time with family. And she told me a short story about a conversation she'd just had with a Relative. "We were talking away," she said, "And my Relative said 'Well, I certainly can't do that!'"

"So I just looked right back at her and said, 'You know, you're right. You can't.'"

The Visitor went on to tell me that her Relative had been completely taken aback. Just stared at her, speechless. Perhaps no one had ever spoken with her that way - at least not for a long while.

Truth is, my Visitor had simply reflected back to the Relative what she'd said herself. And the Visitor had a good point. As long as her Relative continued to think of herself as a person who "could never do that," she certainly would not be doing it.

But that was not what the Relative was used to hearing. Think about what people usually say when someone they're talking with speaks as the Relative did. One of two options:

Option 1: "Oh you poor dear. No, of course you can't be expected to do that. What with little Charlie in college and Ben due to retire you've just got your hands too full. Anyone can see that. You poor thing. Of course you can't take on anything new."

Option 2: "Now Mable, I really think you can."
"Oh, do you? I just don't know."
"Now Mable, I believe in you. You can do it."
"Oh, I really don't think so. You know my kindergarten teacher always said I'd never amount to much."
"Mable, really. Think positive. You could at least try."
"Oh, I just don't know..."
And on and on and on...

The Relative was most probably either fishing for sympathy or encouragement. However the net result of her strategy was that her language took her power away.

The Visitor was right. Until she changes her language, the Relative will be in for a rough ride. Or, perhaps, will simply continue on as she's always done -- frustrated with the results she gets for her effort -- and not understanding why.

How much more productive would it have been if she'd simply asked the Visitor, "I'm considering something I've never tried before. It sounds like fun, but I'm a little scared. What do you think?"

Honest enough, I'd guess. And while it may not be the most powerful language available in the situation, at least it leaves the door open!