Healthy Living DIY

Expectation crusher #5: Expecting another person to favor your self-interest over their own.

We're giving this one its own page simply because it's so common, so pervasive, and can produce such devastating results. This expectation-crusher is commonly mistaken for bullying, abuse, and betrayal.

Think of the times you've heard someone sob: "How could he have done this to me??? I trusted him!" That's what it sounds like to have your fairy-tale world crushed by this expectation.

Example 1: You think your boss should let you go home early because it's Friday and you have a big date. Your boss just became aware of an emergency that he hadn't expected. Your expertise is involved in resolving the emergency. The boss asks you to stay until the crisis has passed.

"How could he do this to me?" you wonder.

Now let's look at the situation. He isn't doing anything "to you." He's trying to get his problem solved. You have the skill & experience to help. Though inconvenient, this is most probably not about the boss having it in for you. It's about getting the crisis resolved, which is in your boss' best interests. (Truth to tell, if you value your job, it's probably also in yours.)

Example 2: Your spouse has been under a lot of stress at work. He perceives your home environment as chaotic (a bunch of little kids hollering, toys on the floor, dog barking). Instead of coming straight home from work, he stops off at the local watering hole to kick back for a few minutes with his buddies.

"How could he do this to me?" you ask yourself. After all, you perceive your home environment as chaotic, too. In fact, you've been counting the minutes till he gets home to help.

Let's think it through. Without some kind of buffer zone between office and home, the poor guy -- in his perception -- goes from the frying pan to the fire. He's not doing anything "to you" -- at least not in his mind. He's simply taking a sanity break, which he sees as in his best interests.

The role of perception

Add in the big word "perception." Perception has a lot to do with this expectation-crusher. You're looking at the situation through your view, and the other person sees the same situation through his.

Typically, both views are biased. We don't see life objectively. Hardly any of us, and hardly ever. We see it through a lens of our beliefs, expectations, and past experience.

Perceptions are distorted even further under stress (we'll explore this more fully another day). Bottom line: what you see in the situation isn't necessarily what the other person sees. You see what you perceive your self-interest; he sees his.

Self-protection is natural. It's quite natural, then, for the other person to protect his interests. It has very little to do with having the intent to victimize you. It's not personal. It's normal. In fact, it would be even stranger if the boss had sent you home early in the face of an unexpected emergency that you have the expertise to resolve -- right? [Correct me if I'm wrong, but might you not have been just a little offended if he had?]

Your take-away: before you conclude that the other party is abusing you, betraying you, or victimizing you, explore what the situation might look like from their perspective. You may not like the result any better (you'll still have to work late), but you'll have retained your personal power in the situation. When you do get out for that big date, you'll have retained the possibility of having a good time!