It's another healthy paradox! Remember from last time that a paradox is a statement (or pair of statements) that appears to conflict with itself.
Today's paradox is this one: Feelings are at the same time your best friend and your worst saboteur. On the one hand, they can alert you to subtleties of your environment and your experience that you'd most likely never notice in any other way.
In his book The Feeling of What Happens, Dr. Antonio DaMasio says that feelings "are poised at the very threshold that separates being from knowing.” As you go through the rest of this day, notice how many times you become aware of something important as a result of a feeling:
- I feel chilly: maybe the furnace went out.
- I feel exhausted: I've really let myself get over-committed.
- I feel restless: things aren't going well on the job.
- I feel alarmed: we're in immediate danger.
Feelings are often the first signal that something's slightly amiss. Pay attention, and we often have the opportunity to react quickly to prevent trouble. Ignore your feelings, and it could very literally cost you your life.
And yet ...
... I know of no surer way to derail your productive efforts in life than making day-to-day choices on the basis of your feelings.
Here's why.
The average person, when making an everyday choice on the basis of feeling, is really making comfort their default option.
- Comfort foods may make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, yet compromise your nutrition and your plans to lighten up.
- It may be comfortable to watch TV on the couch in the evening after work, yet that may compromise your plans to create a second income stream selling your original gourd art.
- It may be more comfortable to "go with the flow" than to initiate a tricky conversation with your spouse, yet that could ultimately compromise your relationship.
- You may not be comfortable requesting a meeting with a new sales prospect, yet without that valuable contact, your product may never reach the customers it was designed to serve.
Feelings can sabotage you in other ways as well. Feeling inadequate for the task ahead and feeling hopeless about the future can both very easily stop you dead in your tracks.
So how do we resolve the conflict?
Simple.
- Recognize and acknowledge the feeling.
- If you are in immediate danger, respond accordingly.
- If you are not in immediate danger, recognize that you are not obliged to act on your feelings.
- Ask yourself this question: "What am I committed to?"
- Act from your commitment, not your feeling.
Tip: You may have commitments you're not consciously aware of! These commitments, until they're identified, tend to create lots of internal conflict. Learn more about these "instinctive commitments" in Stress In The Background: How to Thrive in a High Stress World.
Elizabeth Eckert can help you explore how simple everyday choices create health — or undermine even the best of intentions. With a background that ranges from energy medicine to structural bodywork to developmental psychology, this "Stick-To-It Coach" has the experience to support you in creating the healthiest possible expression of — you!
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Comments (4)
Thank you for suggesting I review the section on personal commmitments and values in your book "Stress in the Background". I am beginning to understand the importance of writing out what's important to me and what my commitments are so I can more readily identify the interpersonal conficts in my situation that are causing me distress. I also appreciate the discriptions you wrote of modern life and the affect it has on relationships. It explains why I feel isolated and disconnected from the people I care about the most. So I'm convinced that what I need is a plan for my life that will take me to a higher level. I see there are a couple of "Six Wellness Opportunities" that you list on page 70 that I have yet to take on. Therefore, my next project will be to accept two more challenges: (3)deal with the personal conficts and power struggles, and (4)learn to appreciate the freshness of a new approach to an old situation.
Posted by George Lowther | December 20, 2007 1:18 AM
Posted on December 20, 2007 01:18
Thanks George. I think for most of us, this is an evolving process. You're ready for the next rung on the ladder and it will no doubt be an interesting climb! But then ... you're the mountain guy, right? :-) So you'll have fun!
Posted by Elizabeth | December 20, 2007 8:30 AM
Posted on December 20, 2007 08:30
Last night I took your advice and acted from my commitment not my feelings. I am committed to a lifelong relationship with my wife, but I was slowly withdrawing from her and preparing for a separation. Though I wanted greater intimacy with her I was letting my feelings (anger, dissapointment) drive a wedge between us. I decided to address the negative feelings I was having toward my marriage by taking action. Instead of fretting over the lack of intimacy and trust in our marriage I decided to do something positive to bring us closer together. I sat down with my wife and had a heart to heart talk with her. I apologized for withdrawing from her and ignoring her needs. She accepted my apology and to my surprise apologized for acting the same way towards me. After we had a good cry we both agreed that in 2008 we would make our relationship the highest priority and work toward the marriage of our dreams. I am so happy we have made an about face in our marriage. I almost let my feelings sabotage our marriage...the thing I value the most! Thanks again, Elizabeth, for helping me become more aware of what's going on in my head and heart. I'm looking forward to a merry Christmas with hope (joy) in my heart.
Posted by George Lowther | December 21, 2007 9:43 PM
Posted on December 21, 2007 21:43
You're an inspiration, George! Thanks for sharing your news. :-)
Posted by Elizabeth | December 22, 2007 1:11 AM
Posted on December 22, 2007 01:11